Filthy things people say about me and the women who love them.

A friend of mine made up a journal of my trip to Disneyworld, sorta like the journal below that I made up about someone else except the one Dave made up is much funnier. I'm putting it here because Facebook is evil and might eat it just to fuck with me. Facebook's like that, you know.

This is Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 1.

Landed in Alabama. Great Fucking Start!!

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 2.

Finally made it to Florida. Hate swamps, by the way. Hope Darlene makes it here in the next few days. Not at Disneyworld yet, but am enjoying the mini-putt course at the Days Inn. I am so drunk.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 2(b)

Darlene is here! She made quicker work of that Boa Constricter than I thought she would. She blames me for leaving her behind and I blame her for trying to pet a Boa Constricter. She is not happy we are staying at a Days Inn. I'm not happy I don't get the bed to myself like I planned tonight. Well make up, we always do. Will report to you from Disneyworld tomorrow.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 3. (a)

Well, we got up early and made our way to Disneyworld. As we were checking in to our resort the check-in guy mentioned that Mickey Mouse was sick and wouldn't be back for 3 weeks. I started to cry. Deep sobs. He smiled and said not to worry they would find someone else for the costume. Costume? Costume!!! This whole place is a lie, a damn lie. I flew in to a rage, throwing chairs, lamps, two Norwegian kids and a singing fish plaque around the lobby. I then sunk to my knees and with a gutteral moan fell over in to the fetal position. Darlene walked over and kicked me in the face and told me she wasn't going through this for the fifth time. I got up and now we are going on some rides. I love this place.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 3. (b)

Ready for bed after a day of rides. Saw a couple of homosexuals and a transgendered dwarf. Apparently, they aren't Disney characters but I still took a picture with them. The new ride "A Journey Through Walt Disney's Head" was very chilly, I should have brought a jacket. I only cried once because I dropped my ice cream. Darlene bought me another one, that made me smile. :)

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 4. (a)

Had a good sleep. The Goofy pillows are much more comfy than the Donald Duck pillows. We went out for breakfast at Pirates of the Caribbean Pancakes. Mine were too piratey but Darlene said her's were swashbucklicious. I am spending all my money on souvenirs for my friend Dave. I hope he is not reading this because I want him to be surprised. Darlene only gives me 5 dollars a day spending money so it will be all cheap stuff like Pinocchio's nose, a cricket I found and put a top hat on and a really tiny globe.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 4. (b)

Went to the Epcot Center which is actually the Epcot Left of Center. Had dinner with a lovely Asian couple. Bought two genuine Beijing Olympics Gold medals. And a set of Chairman Mao ears. Wore them around the rest of the evening. 
Went to the Haunted House and when I walked in it was decorated like the Post Office. I screamed. I really screamed. 
Don't see doing much tomorrow. It is DNA test day on Maury and I am psyched. I know the show is only an hour but Darlene and I like to act out the show for a good solid 12 hours after. If we do go out to dinner I want to hit the Country Bear Jamboree Restaurant. You get to eat out of garbage cans and coolers. Neat.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 5.

Never got out of the hotel room today. We watched and then re-enacted Maury for hours. Darlene played the dual role of Maury/herself and after convincing me that the DNA test said I was the father of Huey, Duey and Louie she stormed out screaming I cheated on her. I cried because I was convinced the DNA test would come back negative and that this whole Huey, Duey and Louie thing would be put to rest. Maury went after her to try and comfort her but neither one is back yet. What started out as a fun day could leave me living in single occupancy. Damn ducks and their irresistability. 
By the way this New Orleans themed resort is getting a little tiring. Every morning somebody throws a bucket's worth of water through our window.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 6.

Cinderella is taller than she looks. Dopey is dumber than I thought. Snow White has a bitchin' tan and Prince Charming is an asshole. Had a good day. Hope Darlene/Maury comes back tonight. Off to wish upon a star.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 7.

Darlene is back. Woohoo!! She has forgiven me for fathering duck triplets and wants to get back to our vacation adventure. Had lunch. Darlene ate 3 ducks. Met the guy responsible for emptying all the garbage cans in one specific area of the park. He signed my ass. I am going to have it made in to a tattoo. Off to the Universal Studios Tour. I think it is sort of like a zoo or something. It better not be some boring movie related shit. I hate that kind of crap.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 8.

Went to a Wave Pool today. Nobody waved at me. When I waved at them they looked at me like I was retarded. Liked the big rolls of water though. The should call it a Big Rolls of Water Park. Punched Goofy in the face when he said I had a nice ass. I do, but Goofy doesn't need to be saying that kind of shit.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 9.

Got an erection standing next to 6 of the 7 dwarfs. Nothing around Grumpy. I am apparently OK with dumb but not thrilled with pissy.

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 10.

Just got in. Spent the day in Disney jail because I happened to mention the name of a non-Disney character in front of some rat bastard tattle-tale of a kid. Met Tramp(of Lady and the...), he was in the next cell. All I can say is stay away from heroin. That shit will fuck you up!

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 11.

It's a small world after all. I know, I know. God help us

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 13.

I know I didn't post on Day 12 but Mouse, Duck, parade, what the hell else is left to say. When I started this journal I forgot how I always hit that "I can't take another happy person!" phase. Hit it. Right now, I would love to see a Princess, a dwarf , a puppet whatever swan dive off the the top of Cinderella's castle. That would make me fucking ecstatic!!

Hiro's Disneyworld Vacation Journal. Day 14.

This will be my last journal entry. Darlene has taken away my internet privileges because she caught me watching Snow White and the Seven Inch Dwarves.

Refried beans...

This stuff is something I posted for a friend of mine on Facebook. He was taking two weeks off work but he called it a sabbatical instead of a vacation. So that got me to thinking about what would a guy on a sabbatical do? Most likely he'd keep a journal of what he did, for sure, so I helped out by writing this for daily diary for him. :D

Really I'm re-posting this here so I can see it in the pretty Blogger format. Here it is in all it's journal-ey rawness:

 
Day One:

Woke up with cougar stains on my underwear. I found the wrappers from three pairs of Depends undergarments on the floor but no undergarments. That can't be good. My gay neighbors from across the hall are banging on my door. They sound angry and very, very naked. This might be about the stuff I spraypainted on their car. Why'd they buy a white Volkswagon? They're just begging for vandalism. I feel no pity. I'm going back to bed.



Day Two:

Today I bought a puppy just to watch it die. The guy at the pet shop said this particular breed lives around 13 years. Perfect. I don't think this is going to be the instant gratification thing I was hoping for. I doubt I'll be around when this dog finally bites the Big One. I hope it likes Iams. I named her Antonio, like that guy who does the voice of the cat in the Shrek movies. Antonio Bandaras. There's some kinda irony there, dog named after a guy who voices a cat. I'm just not really sure what irony is.


Day Three:

Went out hunting for cougar again last night. Cougar. Huh. That makes it sound fuzzy and kitten-like. What I woke up to this morning was definitely neither of those. I'd say if you want to continue the with cat analogy you'd want to go a bit further back on the evolutionary scale. Let's say sabretooth. I woke up with a sabretooth. An old, saggy, mangey, urine-soaked sabretooth. I just now realize where those Depends undergarments were going. Antonio liked her.


Day Four:

I've decided I like mozzarella more than cheddar. It was a tough decision but it's done now. Smooth sailing from here. How many days until Dakota Fannings legal?


Day Five:

Last night I spent an hour talking to a girl at Maxwell's. At first I felt bad because I couldn't remember her name then I realized I'd never met her before. Then I felt bad because I drank from her glass without noticing the huge coldsore hanging off the corner of her mouth. The bright red lipstick masked the sore perfectly. I'm not posting her pic on Facebook for sure. Well, maybe just from the nose up.


Day Six:

My apartment was as hot as the Human Torch's crotch last night. Even just lying still trying to sleep I sweat like that sabretooth chick when she was on top. A kind of cool thing happened though. The sweat made the ink run from the comics I was sleeping on, giving me a tattoo on the left side of my body. I've got Superman on my back and Spiderman on my butt. I'm going down to the laundry room now in case there's some girls there I can show it too. See you at Maxwell's!


Day Seven:

I put on a condom today just to be safe. It's nice and snug. I slipped a couple quarters in too, along the sides. That's in case I need to make a call and I lost all my money someplace. It never hurts to be prepared.


Day Eight:

I cut my hair to look like Corey Haims was when he was in Lost Boys. Frosted tips and everything. Looks pretty cool. I couldn't reach the back so who knows what's going on there. I wish the weather were a bit cooler so I could get away with wearing a cape. People might look at me strangely if I wore one in this heat. I've saved up enough Coke points to get a prostitute. Not one of the good ones, though,  one of the ones from the Ukraine or the Czech Republic. And a ringtone. Now I have all the ringtones. I wish you could buy a cellphone with Coke points, then I could hear what my ringtones sound like.


Day Nine

My place is empty. The furniture, the tv's, the complete set of Famous Monsters of Filmland, my autographed photo of Lance Bass... All gone. Antonio's gone too. I find it odd that on the one night my gay neighbors from across the hall invite me over for a nightcap (first time ever!) I wake up to this. Well, I can see what's going on here. My mamma didn't raise no dummies. I can "grok" it. Antonio ran away and stole all my shit. I hate that bitch. I hope she gets heartworms.


Day Ten

There's nothing left for me in this city. My dogs gone. my stuffs gone and sabretooth won't return my calls. She's pissed at me because she saw what I've been writing on Facebook (some people are so thin skinned). To top it off, my gay neighbors from across the hall have gotten a puppy and it's been barking day and night. So, I'm making a change, I quit my job and I'm taking the passport I bought off eBay and going to the Olympics! I'll be there as Shawn Johnson claims gold and history as part of the Women's Team and on her own in the Individuals. I wonder how close I can get. I wonder if you can buy her practice outfits. I wonder if security uses pepper-spray or batons.

http://www.shawnjohnson.net/

Day Eleven

I'm in Beijing! What a beautiful country. It's the small differences that make you aware you're really in a foreign land. Communal bathrooms, for instance. None of that Men/Women discrimination here. I walk up to the customs guy and right away he starts jabbering but I can't make out what he's saying, so I say "I'm Canadian, mister, I speak English. Stop speaking your Chinese at me and tell me how to get to the Olympics!" That seemed to shut him up. He just stared at me for like a minute, then he went over to some dude in a white hat. They spoke for a few seconds and come walking over to me. The white hat guy says to me "Welcome to Korea, Mr Canadian." But I'm not falling for that ruse and I call them on it by tipping over metal detectors and removing my clothes. Things get hazey after that.


Day Twelve

I'm back in Ottawa. I think. At first when I woke up I thought I was still in China because I was so much taller than everyone around me. I felt like a giant! Then I realized I was in a playground. Something positive did come out this, though. I got the idea for this sci-fi show about a chinese time traveller whose time machine looks like a phone booth. I'm going to call it Doctor Hu.


Day Thirteen

I'm thinking about selling my place and moving to Arnprior. I don't really own, I just rent. That's why I need to move to a town that doesn't have an extradition treaty with Ottawa. By the time the buyers clue in I'll be long gone to the asshole of Ontario, Arnprior! I don't know why everyone says that about Arnprior, it's not as bad as Almonte. I'm hoping to get in the high 200k range. That should keep me in Diet Coke and Anchor Bay DVD's 'til I die. Also, the bartender at Maxwell's says I can sleep there if I help out around the bar sometimes. I said hells yeah! I spend all my free time here anyways, I might as well get something out of it besides crabs.


Day Fourteen

I should have known the offer to stay at Maxwell's was too good to be true. Turns out each night after all the bars and restaurants on Elgin close all the employees and owners go out to the middle of the street and fight. Tonights fight is Friday's Roast Beef House and Piano Bar vs. Maxwell's Bistro & Club. The bartender here says since I'm staying on their property I have to fight. Perfect. It might not be too bad, even though Friday's staff outnumber us 2:1 they're mostly young girl servers. My plan is to go in, grab three or four servers and let them pile on top of me. If I'm going down it'll be in a blaze of glory, just like Tammy Fay Baker. No, wait, I'm thinking of her husband, Benny Hinn. That still doesn't sound right... Anyways, if we win tonight we go up against Monkey Joe's Bar & Grill in the intra-city semifinals in September. I have to go buy some steel-toe boots.

Day Fifteen

I took a dump today and it came out in the shape of Jesus. I remember a few years ago someone selling a potato chip in the shape of Jesus for a lot of money on eBay so I figured I'd do that too. I knew I'd need a box to keep it in so I left the Wal-mart bathroom and asked an old woman in a blue vest where I could find one. When I got back to the bathroom a small crowd had gathered around the stall I left my masterpiece in. Someone added a pair of sunglasses and a cigarette. Nice touch. It could only add to it's value. I boxed it up and got on the bus downtown. Long story short, I fell asleep and the box was stolen. Some lucky bastards in for a surprise when they open their shiny new DVD player. Luckily I took a lot of pictures of it with my digital camera. I plan to mail prints to all the churches in Ottawa and the Vatican. The Pope needs to see this.


Day Sixteen

Well, this is it, the final day of my Sabbatical. For those who've been reading this since the beginning I hope you've grown to know me, grown to love me, maybe, or just grown (I really have no idea how old any of you are). I feel it only fair to tell you now that this is the last you'll hear from me. Hopefully. If all goes well, this time tomorrow my sex-change will be complete and I will fully be a woman in the biblical sense of the word. It's got something to do with apples in the bible and I don't eat fresh fruit of any kind but you get the idea. I had the breasts implanted two weeks ago at the start of my Sabbatical. They were the whole reason for it, to be honest. I knew I'd need some time off to recuperate. My penis was removed about three years ago. I've only now had the courage to finish the transformation, the breasts and hair extensions were the hardest to go through with. I'll be keeping the facial hair and have opted not to undertake female hormone therapy just in case I have a chance at professional female boxing or some other female sport where masculine strength will be an asset. And for those of you who are wondering about my unspeakable area, I'm what's technicaly known as transgendered. I've always had a vagina. And, I am fully capable of reproducing. I just have to find the right person to do it with. I'll be changing my name and phone number and will not be posting here anymore. Thanks for taking the time to read all this. Goodbye. I miss you all already.

See you at Maxwell's!

Blogger Babies

"Stay back man, I got Blogger Babies."

"Aw fuck! We just shared a Coke yesterday!"

"I didn't KNOW I had it you dick, it just broke out this morning. You're probably OK but if you see huge pregnant-looking pustules on your face you better go to a doctor."

"I hate you and you're blogger baby face."

"Don't be like that, G."

Now what's the matter... The beginning!

Post Number One!

I got plans to type so much stuff, my heads busting with things to say! The internets going to change after today! Or not. Most likely not. Most likely I'll post my ramblings here and no one will ever notice. Shit, what if my pc's not even connected to the internet and I'm just ranting to myself, like Creed on The Office? If anyone can see this , mail me ten thousand dollars just so I know it works.